9 Sex Tips From Lesbians to Help Hetero Women Have More and Better Orgasms

9 min readMar 14, 2021

When it comes to coming, women who sleep with women have got it on lock. One study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine looked at the relationship between sexual preference and orgasm. Researchers found that lesbians were far more likely to orgasm during sex than their hetero or bisexual female counterparts.

That’s not the only research showing that same-sex-loving women scored more orgasms. A second study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior concluded that women who sleep with men had sex about 15 times a month on average, while women who sleep with women did it roughly 10 times a month. Despite the fact that they had less sex month over month, the lesbians in the study were three times as likely to always orgasm compared to the hetero ladies.

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Sure you could look at the data and decide to ditch dudes — and set yourself up for a more orgasmic sex life. But if you’re not interested in taking a dip in the lady pond, that won’t work. Instead, absorb the tips these non-hetero women want straight chicks to know about how to have better, more orgasmic action when they hit the sheets with their male partners.

Don’t stress about having an orgasm
It might sound counterintuitive, but if you want to orgasm, stop obsessing over it. “It’s so easy for me to get in my head about how long it takes me to reach an orgasm,” shares Rachel Turner, 24. “Then all I’m focused on is reaching the end point, which ruins the mood. But I’ve learned that sex is so much more than [having an orgasm]. It’s about the process of the sex, the journey. When you allow yourself to focus on the enjoyment and pleasure of each moment and touch and less on reaching that end goal, you’ll find yourself feeling much more relaxed and connected to the person you’re with.”

Focus on your breasts
Sporting sexy lingerie, getting a nipple piercing, and trying out breast-centered sex positions are just some of the ways to get your breasts and nipples (a major erogenous zone) in on the action. But sometimes giving your boobs the attention they crave is as simple as asking.

“I love having my nipples played with during both the foreplay and the sex. It’s what I need to orgasm, so I’ve learned to just ask for it,” one 26-year-old woman says. “And don’t hesitate to give a little direction about how you want them touched,” she adds. From squeezing to licking to biting to having them cupped, these are all pretty different sensations.

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Rely on your c-spot
“I can’t overstate this: Clitoral stimulation is where it’s at for me! I can’t reach orgasm solely through penetration, so when I want to orgasm I’ll either touch my own clit while my partner (or a sex toy) is inside of me,” one 30-year-old woman shares. “Or I’ll ask my partner to touch my clit with her mouth, a vibrator, a hand, depending on what kind of pressure I’m craving.”

Laugh off awkward moments
Let’s admit it, sex IRL isn’t always (okay, ever) like it is in the movies. “My perspective on sex changed remarkably when someone told me, ‘if you don’t laugh at least once during sex, you’re doing it wrong’ . . . this reminds me that sex is often awkward, clumsy, and embarrassing and that’s perfectly okay,” says 23-year-old Kelsey Park Smith. “Sex doesn’t always flow; arms get tired, bodies make noises, sheets get in the way, you almost fall off the bed from time to time, and I wholeheartedly believe that there is no sexy way to take off jeans. But learning to laugh at these moments helped me take the pressure off of creating the ‘perfect’ sexual experience every time.”

Speak up about what you want
What feels good? What just feels meh? What do you need more of? Make sure your partner knows the answers to these questions, and orgasms will be easier to come by. “It’s not bossy to communicate before, during, or after sex,” says Park Smith. “You know yourself and your body better than anyone else does. If what your partner is doing isn’t working for you, tell them what does. There’s no need to feel like you have to just go along with what they’re doing or fake pleasure to avoid hurting their feelings. It’s a better experience for everyone involved if you communicate freely and honestly.”

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Focus on your partner
Whether you’re having a one-time fling or doing it with a long-time partner, it’s easy to get wrapped up in the sex itself and forget about the person. That’s why one 27-year-old woman suggests this. “Be there with your partner. Say their name or look them in the eye. Don’t just enjoy the sex, enjoy the person.” Focus on their breathing, what turns them on, and the way they touch and kiss, and before you realize it, your body might be a lot closer to climax that if you were only thinking of yourself.

Hit the brakes
Most of us think about foreplay as the appetizer we rush through to the main course, which is exactly the opposite approach to take if you’re planning to reach O town. “Whether it’s your first time hooking up ever, or you’ve had too many [partners] to count, don’t forget to enjoy the process of leading up to and making your partner orgasm,” advises Karli Buckley, 24. “There’s a time and a lace for a quickie, but remember to slow down and indulge yourself in your partner’s body and let them indulge in your body, too!”

Use dirty talk
“Communication, communication, communication. It doesn’t matter if you’ve slept together one thousand times or if this is the first time. Talk! Let your partner know what you want, let them know if it isn’t working, and let them know if it is,” says 28-year-old Hanna Botney. “And take a second to tell your partner what you what to do, whether its licking, touching, penetrating, teasing, whatever. Not only is it sexy to hear this and will give you the recipe for what your partner wants in that exact moment, but it will also make you feel sexy,” she says. A few of her favorites: “I want to taste you.” “Do you want to have sex?” “I want to touch you here.”

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Experiment with sex toys that don’t resemble a penis
Sure, dildos, eggplant-shaped vibrators, and strap-ons can be great. But penis-shaped toys aren’t your only option. In fat, there’s a whole world of toys out there that may be better suited to your and your partners needs and sexual identities. “I like to use sex toys to switch it up in the bedroom,” says one 32-year-old woman. “While your partner needs to be open to experimenting too, toys can be a great way to increase pleasure on both sides! If your partner isn’t jazzed about bringing a big purple cock-shaped toy into bed, try another toy: butt plugs, prostate massager, not-so-phallic vibes, whatever — there’s a huge selection of toys out there!”

Sex is an intimate act that (usually!) involves two partners. Yet widening the circle of people who know the details of your sexual experiences to include your closest friends can actually be beneficial.

Not only can debriefing your friend group on your sex life bring serious laughs (“Um, he put what in where?”), it can open the door to emotional support if things in the bedroom get confusing, as well as guidance on how you should proceed so you get the satisfaction you deserve.

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So why don’t we talk about sex with our friends as much as we should? It might be because sex is so personal, and it’s hard to open up without worrying that even your besties might get judgy. Or perhaps because whatever you want to talk about makes you feel not normal. Or you worry that you’re violating your partner’s privacy.

All of those are valid reasons — but there’s a case to be made for getting past them. Here are five good reasons to devote way more time to discussing your sex life with your girlfriends.

They can give you pointers
Is your go-to position not quite cutting it anymore? Is you partner lacking when it comes to giving you mind-blowing orgasms? Don’t despair — take it to your girls. Chances are your BFFs have been in your shoes and can provide advice, whether it’s their favorite sex positions or how to teach your partner that mouth move that always brings you to climax.

Reaching out to other women for help can also fundamentally change how we approach sex. Jennifer Wiessner, a Maine-based sex therapist, recently spoke at a women’s retreat that focused on relationship and sexual self-care for young mothers. There, the topic of sexuality was at the forefront of the attendees’ minds.

“After one women tearily disclosed her longing for an improved sexual connection with her partner, the group opened up and the questions flowed, as did the guidance between participants,” Wiessner tells Health. “Participants were able to notice their connectedness in their feelings and offer each other understanding and support.” These types of conversations, Wiessner says, empower women to take charge of their sexuality and get the intimacy they crave.

RELATED: 7 Signs Your Friend Group is Toxic

It can bring you closer to your girls
Being honest is the core of any valuable friendship, so don’t shy away from getting real with your girlfriends — it can tighten your bond. “For many women, once the topic of sex is added to the friendship, there isn’t much else you can’t discuss,” says Wiessner. And there’s nothing quite as wonderful as a friend who will lend an ear whenever you need it, whether it’s to confide in her about a recent hookup or seek her advice when it comes to a work problem or family issue.

It can help you work through bigger issues
“On a practical note, talking with friends about sex can reduce anxiety and fears about one’s body, how it functions, and its unique differences,” says Wiessner. As an example, she notes that she has worked with women who thought they were abnormal because they couldn’t orgasm during intercourse. “After just 30 minutes of education in my office about the clitoris, stimulation, and responsive desire, they walk out feeling empowered.”

Sadly, not all of us have the means to see a sex therapist, but that’s okay. Why? “The truth is, we don’t need to if we as women can band together and educate each other on the wonders of the divine feminine,” says Wiessner.

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You’ll help dispel the myth that everyone is getting good sex
“Movies, videos, and porn mostly suggest that everyone is having great sex,” says Wiessner. “But the reality is, these myths continue to live on because women don’t tend to talk about sex authentically with each other.”

If you’re in a relationship with someone whose sex drive is vastly different from yours, or you’re not having the kind of sex you’d like because your partner works a lot or has other responsibilities, it can be a relief to bring it up to your friends. Chances are, they’ve been in that situation too, if they aren’t in it right now. They’ll remind you that it’s totally normal, or they might suggest that it’s a sign you need to find a new partner. Painful to hear, but they know you best, and it might be right in the long run.

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It’s really fun
If nothing else convinces you to reveal to friends what went down during your latest hookup, remember this: Hearing about sex gone wrong is pretty hilarious (proof is here). And learning the wacky trick that brings your best friend to a surefire orgasm every time is also pretty awesome. It’s time to group text your girls, pick a place to meet up, and start talking.

9 Sex Tips From Lesbians to Help Hetero Women Have More and Better Orgasms

Written by Philipmatthews